allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
