Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
Randomize
