dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
Randomize
