I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
