too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
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I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
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my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
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