Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
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