i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Randomize
