Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Randomize
