My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
We had to coat check the pizza.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
Randomize
