He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize
