I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
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