he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
Randomize
