your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
