fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
there was a trapeze. enough said
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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