you kept typing in answers.com, why are the state police calling my house, expecting an answer
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
Randomize
