If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
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