He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
