remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Randomize
