a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
Randomize
