You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
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