dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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