when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
Randomize
