I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
don't worry about it. We passed around the "get jeff bail" can 10 min. After you left. We currently have around $400. May I say that people here at the dorms really love you.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Randomize
