even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
come downstairs quick. our boyfriends are having a dance off in nothing but their underwear and shoes. and they have semis too.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
