My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
