I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
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