Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
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She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
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