All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
Randomize
