This girl is very crazy
She's one of those compassionate ppl
So everything I said on this seemingly endless date offended her
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize