i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
It was then that he suggested we all nibble ears. A nibble circle.
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Randomize
