mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize