Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
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