Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
Randomize
