It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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