I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Randomize
