Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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