sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
