i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
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