Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
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