We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
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