Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Randomize
