Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
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