Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
50% drunk capacity currently
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
Randomize
