My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
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