You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Randomize
