It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
therea a video of her dad walking in while i screamed "lets have a fashion show!" and fell off the table
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Randomize
