He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
She's like a pop up book from hell.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Randomize
