he just said he was sorry he wasnt been able to come by more often coz things are really crazy with that girl
you mean his girlfriend
Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
I almost masterbated to the avatar love scene ha it was so hot
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
