remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
I can't watch pbs sober anymore
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
Randomize
