what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
Randomize
