i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
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