why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
Randomize
