i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
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