He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Randomize
