Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
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I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
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I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Cover your peen. We're going out.
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