Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
Randomize
